Valentines day, and I didn't know what to write...I had decided not to write. So much of what I thought of seemed obvious. I love my husband....he is my best friend, my partner in crime & the kind of father I always wanted for my kids. My kids...there is nothing about them that isn't beautiful in my eyes. It would be an understatement to say that they define and re-define the meaning of love for me every day...they teach me about love every day.
Then something happened today that helped me remember a different side of love. If you read my last blog, you know that I recently got to know my dad again after 26 years. What you don't know is that in the midst of this, my sister and I hit a little turbulence. She is 18 months older than me and we have always been very close. We have shared the loss of connection with our dad and have been there for each other in a fierce way all of our lives.
Before my dad's visit we had a few discussions about it. It was I who had gotten back in touch with him. It was I who had made his visit a possibility. Because of this I had no expectations for my sister to be involved in the visit. However, she and I had a very heartfelt talk in which she let me know that she wanted to go to dinner with our dad and myself. She brought up the importance of us doing this together as sisters & I really liked what I heard.
Once our dad was here, she understandably got cold feet and felt very opposed to seeing him. As I listened to her on the phone I felt really disappointed, even thought I simultaneously realized that it was most important for her to do what she knew was right. So here I was with half of me supporting her in knowing what felt right, and half of me feeling angry and very let down. While my dad's visit was 100% a good thing and something I am proud of and grateful for, it was also exhausting and overwhelming. I went through an entire array of emotions during our time together, and I used up a lot of energy trying to adjust and observe myself at this time. The truth is that, I really would have liked my sisters support, so I was a bit caught up in myself.
After my dad left, I was left feeling angry and upset with my sister for much longer than I was comfortable with. I didn't know what to do, and I had a lot of ideas that felt like they were born out of insecurity. What came to me at this time was the wisdom that it was a good time to shut up and wait awhile. For that reason, I gave myself a time out and did not contact my sister for awhile. I knew in my heart that she knew how I felt and that we were both probably licking our wounds. For this reason, it was hard to stay away, but it was the right thing, also.
Our first time seeing each other since then was today, Valentines day. The idea of seeing my niece and nephew on this day was enough to tantalize me beyond my personal, insecure thinking. My sister, in her own sweet way, offered to make a delicious dinner for us...a peace offering that might be overlooked by others. Because I know my sister, I also knew that this is how she takes care of people. There were really no need for words at this point. I was so grateful that I hadn't spoken to her earlier in all of my righteousness and judgement.
On the drive to her house, I began to let some insecurities in. I was imagining what I might say to her...how I might express my disappointment while still holding on to the wisdom that I actually create my own experience. Obviously, no clear answers came...except that I should not have a plan. So, instead I just showed up and let my heart lead. I hugged my niece and nephew tight...I had missed them a lot during our break from each other. I also missed my sister. I realized she was sick and still cooking for me. I realized her kids had been sick and that I didn't even know that they had been struggling.
On this evening I was literally overflowing with love for her. We felt no need to talk about our dad, and there was not a lull in our conversation. What was apparent was our connection and our love for each other. It was unexpected, and therefore such a delight. I was aware that we had forgiven each other many times before, as siblings must do, but this time it felt very graceful.
I know that the insight I had to not respond to her right away was my saving grace. I'm thankful that I have somehow learned to pay attention to my own wisdom. I know that my sister and I would have survived if I had chosen to word-vomit all over her, but I am incredibly thankful that I knew better.
Here's to love...all kinds of love. You don't need romance to celebrate this day. Love is so powerful and it has many different disguises. I hope in your way that you express and experience it in a way that surprises and delights you. And to my sister, if you're reading this, I love you just the way you are!
Monday, February 14, 2011
Monday, January 31, 2011
Forgiveness
I believe that forgiveness is a powerful and important part of life. I know that when you forgive, you let go of all of the turmoil and negativity that you have attached to that person or event that caused you pain. Without forgiveness you keep that past alive along with all of the hard feelings and hardships. Forgiveness is not for the other person, it is for you. It also doesn't mean that you are okay with someone hurting you or that you will allow them to be a repeat offender. Forgiveness means that you have the ability to see the situation from a healthy perspective and that you are able to surrender, knowing you are not in control of other people at all. Forgiveness creates a sense of pride, a lighter heart, a sense of comfort...it also allows the person who hurt you to be impacted in a different way. This is how positivity creates a ripple effect and creates an outcome that is more beautiful than you would have imagined! This is all true, but a story may be more poignant than this explanation. So, story time....
My parents divorced when I was not yet two years old. There was domestic violence, substance abuse, and in general my parents were young and did the best they could with the resources they had. Shortly thereafter, my parents both remarried and my mom moved my sister and I out of state. Lots of fighting between my parents began over visitation. At first, we saw my dad and step-mom every summer and during the holidays. Before long, we saw him less regularly and then when I was about ten all communication with my dad stopped. This was difficult, although I knew that many kids went through it, and at least I had my sister to share the experience with.
Fast forward about nine years and you'd find me at college. I was dealing with a lot within my family of origin and I was self-destructing pretty rapidly in the party scene at school. I wanted to hurt...and I did. At this time, I decided to contact my dad. I had questions...I was curious, and I was angry. As you can imagine, the contact with my dad was tumultuous and short-lived. I was very impressed by his sorrow and regret regarding our estranged relationship, however, I could not let go of my anger at that time. I had no intention of forgiving him. I certainly contributed to this failed attempt to know my dad. I remember asking him why he hit my mom and he said that it wasn't that bad, because he never used a closed fist. I was mortified and disappointed. I vowed to never talk to him again. As you can imagine, my path to self-destruction became more serious.
Fast forward another decade or so and I was doing much better. I was married with a sweet daughter and my darling son on the way. My husband...my best friend...and I were taking good care of each other, and I was beginning to learn how to take good care of myself. This is when my sister and I got the phone call that I was always nervous about receiving. My uncle was on the line letting us know that our dad had suffered a major heart attack and was in the hospital in critical condition. My heart sank as his struggled to keep him alive. Was this really how my story with my dad would end? I was overwhelmed and not able to go visit him. My sister and I decided to send flowers...a decision that I knew was wrong. I felt disappointed in myself and I knew that somewhere inside of me there must be more courage. I could not find forgiveness.
After this, there was no more contact with my uncle. My sister and I were left not knowing if he had survived or what his health was like. I hoped in my heart that I would have been contacted if there was a funeral, but the not-knowing was something that was always hard for me.
At this time, I began to focus on myself in a whole new way. I was learning things in graduate school that I am passionate about, AND I stumbled upon The Principles of Mind, Thought and Consciousness. This is what really began to transform me into a happier person, a wiser person, a better mom, a more fulfilled wife, a courageous daughter and a trailblazer for my sister. All of a sudden one day, with this healthier outlook, not knowing my dad didn't make sense anymore. I found myself writing him a letter. I can remember that I had no expectations and now attachment to our past. I had the sole purpose of reaching out to him in order to express peace and forgiveness. I wanted him to know that I thought about him often and that when I did I always thought of him with kindness. Without a second thought, I mailed it, and I felt sure that nothing would come of it. The letter was really for me. I was not attached at all to any outcome. I felt so good! I knew I was following my instincts and the most peaceful feelings came over me.
What happened next truly illustrates the power of forgiveness. My dad and I became pen-pals. We sent each other photos and got to know each other. Because of what I had understood about The Principles, I didn't let our conversations on the phone or in our letters be about the past, and I quickly stopped the guilt and shame that my dad felt the need to express. In addition, my mother was supportive and very proud of me. It hit me right in the heart to see that she could put her personal thinking aside in order to support me in something that was so important to me. My sister also benefited from my act of bravery...this is the ripple effect that forgiveness creates! She is not ready herself to know our dad, but she has been thrilled to read my letters, see the photos of him, and hear all about her dad.
The ending of this story is not really the ending at all, but it is beautiful. Last week, my dad came to visit. The man I thought I'd never know was right here in my living room. My kids know their grandpa...and they love him. My dad looks like me and my kids look like him. My heart is full and I am so proud of myself. The visit was overwhelming and we were all nervous, but it was probably one of the most amazing things that I've created just simply by having a healthy mindset. It was so fun to learn about my dad, my step-mom & step-brothers, my grandparents, and cousins. It was also really cool to see how, even though we missed out on a big chunk of each others lives, we actually knew each other quite well on a deeper level. At the end of the trip we were both exhausted, but full of joy. He let me know that he is proud of me and that he loves me. I didn't know how good this would feel, but I can tell you that I am choked up even now as I type. This feeling of forgiveness was the start to something so extraordinary. A family was reunited, and it all came from knowing about The Principles so that forgiveness made sense, while holding a grudge became senseless.
Who can you forgive in your life? Who can you see as innocent rather than guilty? We're all spinning around on this earth together & I urge you to remember how much we are all alike, rather than focusing on the issues from the past that pull us apart. I guarantee you that beautiful things await you when you find yourself in the feeling of forgiveness. Don't be afraid to take that leap of faith!
My parents divorced when I was not yet two years old. There was domestic violence, substance abuse, and in general my parents were young and did the best they could with the resources they had. Shortly thereafter, my parents both remarried and my mom moved my sister and I out of state. Lots of fighting between my parents began over visitation. At first, we saw my dad and step-mom every summer and during the holidays. Before long, we saw him less regularly and then when I was about ten all communication with my dad stopped. This was difficult, although I knew that many kids went through it, and at least I had my sister to share the experience with.
Fast forward about nine years and you'd find me at college. I was dealing with a lot within my family of origin and I was self-destructing pretty rapidly in the party scene at school. I wanted to hurt...and I did. At this time, I decided to contact my dad. I had questions...I was curious, and I was angry. As you can imagine, the contact with my dad was tumultuous and short-lived. I was very impressed by his sorrow and regret regarding our estranged relationship, however, I could not let go of my anger at that time. I had no intention of forgiving him. I certainly contributed to this failed attempt to know my dad. I remember asking him why he hit my mom and he said that it wasn't that bad, because he never used a closed fist. I was mortified and disappointed. I vowed to never talk to him again. As you can imagine, my path to self-destruction became more serious.
Fast forward another decade or so and I was doing much better. I was married with a sweet daughter and my darling son on the way. My husband...my best friend...and I were taking good care of each other, and I was beginning to learn how to take good care of myself. This is when my sister and I got the phone call that I was always nervous about receiving. My uncle was on the line letting us know that our dad had suffered a major heart attack and was in the hospital in critical condition. My heart sank as his struggled to keep him alive. Was this really how my story with my dad would end? I was overwhelmed and not able to go visit him. My sister and I decided to send flowers...a decision that I knew was wrong. I felt disappointed in myself and I knew that somewhere inside of me there must be more courage. I could not find forgiveness.
After this, there was no more contact with my uncle. My sister and I were left not knowing if he had survived or what his health was like. I hoped in my heart that I would have been contacted if there was a funeral, but the not-knowing was something that was always hard for me.
At this time, I began to focus on myself in a whole new way. I was learning things in graduate school that I am passionate about, AND I stumbled upon The Principles of Mind, Thought and Consciousness. This is what really began to transform me into a happier person, a wiser person, a better mom, a more fulfilled wife, a courageous daughter and a trailblazer for my sister. All of a sudden one day, with this healthier outlook, not knowing my dad didn't make sense anymore. I found myself writing him a letter. I can remember that I had no expectations and now attachment to our past. I had the sole purpose of reaching out to him in order to express peace and forgiveness. I wanted him to know that I thought about him often and that when I did I always thought of him with kindness. Without a second thought, I mailed it, and I felt sure that nothing would come of it. The letter was really for me. I was not attached at all to any outcome. I felt so good! I knew I was following my instincts and the most peaceful feelings came over me.
What happened next truly illustrates the power of forgiveness. My dad and I became pen-pals. We sent each other photos and got to know each other. Because of what I had understood about The Principles, I didn't let our conversations on the phone or in our letters be about the past, and I quickly stopped the guilt and shame that my dad felt the need to express. In addition, my mother was supportive and very proud of me. It hit me right in the heart to see that she could put her personal thinking aside in order to support me in something that was so important to me. My sister also benefited from my act of bravery...this is the ripple effect that forgiveness creates! She is not ready herself to know our dad, but she has been thrilled to read my letters, see the photos of him, and hear all about her dad.
The ending of this story is not really the ending at all, but it is beautiful. Last week, my dad came to visit. The man I thought I'd never know was right here in my living room. My kids know their grandpa...and they love him. My dad looks like me and my kids look like him. My heart is full and I am so proud of myself. The visit was overwhelming and we were all nervous, but it was probably one of the most amazing things that I've created just simply by having a healthy mindset. It was so fun to learn about my dad, my step-mom & step-brothers, my grandparents, and cousins. It was also really cool to see how, even though we missed out on a big chunk of each others lives, we actually knew each other quite well on a deeper level. At the end of the trip we were both exhausted, but full of joy. He let me know that he is proud of me and that he loves me. I didn't know how good this would feel, but I can tell you that I am choked up even now as I type. This feeling of forgiveness was the start to something so extraordinary. A family was reunited, and it all came from knowing about The Principles so that forgiveness made sense, while holding a grudge became senseless.
Who can you forgive in your life? Who can you see as innocent rather than guilty? We're all spinning around on this earth together & I urge you to remember how much we are all alike, rather than focusing on the issues from the past that pull us apart. I guarantee you that beautiful things await you when you find yourself in the feeling of forgiveness. Don't be afraid to take that leap of faith!
Monday, January 17, 2011
The Wisdom of Martin Luther King, Jr.
Martin Luther King Jr. has long been one of the few historical figures whom I've always felt an intense respect for. Even as a child, I can remember fighting back the tears in class as I learned of him. I was in awe of how beautifully he spoke with such a combination of grace and power. His courage and unwavering non-violence got my attention, and inspired me. He served as a much needed role-model for me at one time. Now, although I have stopped searching for guidance outside of myself, MLK Jr. remains a most enlightened and wise person whom I am encouraged by to this day.
I have chosen four of my favorite quotes from this lovely man. Each one convinces me that MLK Jr. had an understanding of The Principles. I am aware, of course, that he knew nothing of "The Three Principles" as I am speaking of, but he knew about their essence. These quotes I've chosen seem to speak to the insights and/or experience that I've had as I've come to understand mind, thought, & consciousness.
"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase."
Sometimes, this is the hardest part. Faith...having faith in something because you feel it. Many would not consider it. Others take a path of carefully planned tests of faith. In this way, they never really have to notice their fearful thinking or control issues. It is only for the brave and courageous of us, to leap into the unknown because we feel it is the right thing to do. I say, "not guts, no glory". How can you get what you want when you do not go for it with your actions?
To much time is spent by to many of us doing "what is right" or "what we're supposed to." It stops the masses from experiencing and realizing that when you follow the insights from your own mind, you are absolutely on the right path. Things like prosperity, abundance, success, etc will come with it...not everything can or should be planned. I promise you...but that doesn't matter, you'll have to just take the first step of faith.
A story: In my work as a counselor I was very insecure and nervous about teaching The Principles to my clients at first. I knew in my own life, that this understanding had opened me up to a different kind of existence where I had clarity, peace of mind, and a new-found excitement for life. So, it wasn't a question of whether I believed that The Principles could help those who came to me for relief. Instead, I was focused on my supervisors and colleagues...paperwork and meetings...expectations and personal insecurities. I gradually began to discuss mind, though & consciousness with some of my clients. The results were similar to the ones that I had felt personally. Soon, I found myself at a cross-roads. I either needed to focus on The Principles 100%, which was what my mind was telling me to do, or I'd have to settle for less than what felt right in my work. I'm proud to say that I took that leap of the faith and I am continuing to do so today. Regardless of whatever insecurities my personal thinking can conjure up, I am not focusing on that. Instead I am starting my own business, marketing myself to people I used to be intimidated by, and enjoying the ride! I don't need to know where the ride will take me anymore...I'm too busy enjoying it!
"The time is always right to do what is right."
This is so simple...so true. For me this quote speaks to consciousness. Consciousness refers to your awareness. The point is that, you always have your mind guiding you and giving you answers and insights that are valuable and perfect for you. There is now technique or way to tap into your mind, but there is a connection between it and your ability to be aware in the moment without personal thought distracting you. Consciousness has levels and you move through them all of the time. When you are at a high level of consciousness you may feel creative, in the zone or flow, in the now, clarity, quiet, etc. When you are at a low level of consciousness you may feel overwhelmed, caught up in your thinking, stressed, frustrated, detached, etc. It seems that MLK Jr. must ave lived in a pretty consistent state of high consciousness, because it is in this state that one can not only see what is right, but also give others the courage to see it for themselves.
"Occasionally in life there are those moments of unutterable fulfillment which cannot be completely explained by those symbols called words. Their meanings can only be articulated by the inaudible language of the heart."
This is stated so eloquently that I can barely dare to comment. So much of the power behind gaining an understanding of mind, thought, & consciousness
"If we are to go forward, we must go back and rediscover those precious values-that all reality hinges on moral foundations and that all reality has spiritual control."
To me this is a way of pointing out how we are all connected. We all share these same Principles, that explain our experience of our reality. I very rarely speak about The Principles in spiritual terms, although I am fully aware of their spiritual nature. This is because I have a natural connection in my brain between religion and spirituality. I also have some negative memories related to religion, so the whole picture has the potential to get skewed for me. However, I do believe in my own spiritual existence and I do know that there are many things that I cannot explain, yet I don't need to, because they are simply true to me. I see this truth in myself, in others, in animals, in all of us.
According to MLK Jr. we are to go back to the simplest ideas of goodness. To me this is what we all are at our essence. We all have something that I'm calling mind, but you can call it whatever you want. How else, but in spiritual terms, can you explain something that we all have innate and equal access to, that gives us insights and direction in life...if only we listen. This is not intelligence, retained knowledge, or memories. This is something that is bigger than us, yet it is us...it is ours and every one's. It is mystical, and beautiful...and if MLK Jr. couldn't define it with perfect clarity for you, than I'm not even going to try!
Here's to the late Martin Luther King Jr...may we all be encouraged to have faith, do what's right, and believe in that which no words can describe.
I have chosen four of my favorite quotes from this lovely man. Each one convinces me that MLK Jr. had an understanding of The Principles. I am aware, of course, that he knew nothing of "The Three Principles" as I am speaking of, but he knew about their essence. These quotes I've chosen seem to speak to the insights and/or experience that I've had as I've come to understand mind, thought, & consciousness.
"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase."
Sometimes, this is the hardest part. Faith...having faith in something because you feel it. Many would not consider it. Others take a path of carefully planned tests of faith. In this way, they never really have to notice their fearful thinking or control issues. It is only for the brave and courageous of us, to leap into the unknown because we feel it is the right thing to do. I say, "not guts, no glory". How can you get what you want when you do not go for it with your actions?
To much time is spent by to many of us doing "what is right" or "what we're supposed to." It stops the masses from experiencing and realizing that when you follow the insights from your own mind, you are absolutely on the right path. Things like prosperity, abundance, success, etc will come with it...not everything can or should be planned. I promise you...but that doesn't matter, you'll have to just take the first step of faith.
A story: In my work as a counselor I was very insecure and nervous about teaching The Principles to my clients at first. I knew in my own life, that this understanding had opened me up to a different kind of existence where I had clarity, peace of mind, and a new-found excitement for life. So, it wasn't a question of whether I believed that The Principles could help those who came to me for relief. Instead, I was focused on my supervisors and colleagues...paperwork and meetings...expectations and personal insecurities. I gradually began to discuss mind, though & consciousness with some of my clients. The results were similar to the ones that I had felt personally. Soon, I found myself at a cross-roads. I either needed to focus on The Principles 100%, which was what my mind was telling me to do, or I'd have to settle for less than what felt right in my work. I'm proud to say that I took that leap of the faith and I am continuing to do so today. Regardless of whatever insecurities my personal thinking can conjure up, I am not focusing on that. Instead I am starting my own business, marketing myself to people I used to be intimidated by, and enjoying the ride! I don't need to know where the ride will take me anymore...I'm too busy enjoying it!
"The time is always right to do what is right."
This is so simple...so true. For me this quote speaks to consciousness. Consciousness refers to your awareness. The point is that, you always have your mind guiding you and giving you answers and insights that are valuable and perfect for you. There is now technique or way to tap into your mind, but there is a connection between it and your ability to be aware in the moment without personal thought distracting you. Consciousness has levels and you move through them all of the time. When you are at a high level of consciousness you may feel creative, in the zone or flow, in the now, clarity, quiet, etc. When you are at a low level of consciousness you may feel overwhelmed, caught up in your thinking, stressed, frustrated, detached, etc. It seems that MLK Jr. must ave lived in a pretty consistent state of high consciousness, because it is in this state that one can not only see what is right, but also give others the courage to see it for themselves.
"Occasionally in life there are those moments of unutterable fulfillment which cannot be completely explained by those symbols called words. Their meanings can only be articulated by the inaudible language of the heart."
This is stated so eloquently that I can barely dare to comment. So much of the power behind gaining an understanding of mind, thought, & consciousness
"If we are to go forward, we must go back and rediscover those precious values-that all reality hinges on moral foundations and that all reality has spiritual control."
To me this is a way of pointing out how we are all connected. We all share these same Principles, that explain our experience of our reality. I very rarely speak about The Principles in spiritual terms, although I am fully aware of their spiritual nature. This is because I have a natural connection in my brain between religion and spirituality. I also have some negative memories related to religion, so the whole picture has the potential to get skewed for me. However, I do believe in my own spiritual existence and I do know that there are many things that I cannot explain, yet I don't need to, because they are simply true to me. I see this truth in myself, in others, in animals, in all of us.
According to MLK Jr. we are to go back to the simplest ideas of goodness. To me this is what we all are at our essence. We all have something that I'm calling mind, but you can call it whatever you want. How else, but in spiritual terms, can you explain something that we all have innate and equal access to, that gives us insights and direction in life...if only we listen. This is not intelligence, retained knowledge, or memories. This is something that is bigger than us, yet it is us...it is ours and every one's. It is mystical, and beautiful...and if MLK Jr. couldn't define it with perfect clarity for you, than I'm not even going to try!
Here's to the late Martin Luther King Jr...may we all be encouraged to have faith, do what's right, and believe in that which no words can describe.
Monday, January 3, 2011
It's NOT Positive Thinking
It's been a while since my last blog...the holidays were much to rich to sit in front of a laptop. We even celebrated a birth in our family! Such a gift to hold a new, sweet baby!
The holidays gave me a chance to visit with family. In my family, I suppose because I'm a counselor...no I can't say that...it's been true since I could speak, I am the one people go to for advice. The graduate degree just makes it official now.
I've found that my understanding of mind, thought & consciousness has been ongoing, and has had a ripple effect on those around me. In the crazy spin of things, my family of origin has been last to feel the ripple. I've struggled most to speak to them clearly about my understanding. I believe that this is because they really matter to me...I want them so badly to hear beyond my words that I focus on the outcome. The result is that I am not listening...and then I feel insecure (or is it the other way around?).
While "home" for the holidays I began to notice that I was really enjoying the process of advice giving. I was really good at hearing a complex question and boiling it down to the simplest terms by my understanding of mind, thought & consciousness. I was having quite a good time being the professional know-it-all!
As I observed myself, I realized this sense of grandeur. Translation, I was off the mark! I sat up in bed....the bed I had grown up in...thinking about what I really wanted to say to these family members. It was something like, "You know more than you give yourself credit. What do you think?".
So, the next night with my mom, the perfect moment came my way. She said she wondered if there was any hope for teens who had experienced serious and/or ongoing trauma. I wanted to yell out, "Of course! Each of us has the power to be well...as our birthright! The past is only alive in our thinking! Haven't you been listening?" :) Instead, I asked her what she thought. A nice conversation followed, in which I pointed out her mind and how she already depends on it for guidance.
Soon after my trip, she texted me a couple of cute things about positive thinking. It was clear to me that she was on the right track, but that she was missing something key. I knew this, because it was familiar to me...I, too, once thought The Principles were about controlling the matter of your thinking. It's an easy pitfall, but I couldn't find the words at first to put her back on the right path. That's why I love texting...a non-reply is okay for a while!
(I love this next part!) As I sat to write my blog today, I felt unsure of what exactly to discuss. I did what I often do, which is to pull a book out from my Principles library, flip to any page, and read for inspiration. Today I chose Our True Identity...Three Principles by Elsie Spittle.
And I read, "Please understand the process is not about controlling thought. It is about realizing that you are the thinker. Realizing this allows you to be more an observer of behavior, yours and others, without becoming attached to the behavior."
Brilliant! Exactly! This is what I was doing with my own thinking when I realized that I needed to listen to my family members and help them tap into their mind. This was also what I was unable to put into words to help my mom differentiate The Principles from positive thinking. Aw, now if that wasn't an insight, I don't know what is!
Gotta go...texting my mom now! :) Enjoy your observations of yourself and others in this hopeful 2011!
The holidays gave me a chance to visit with family. In my family, I suppose because I'm a counselor...no I can't say that...it's been true since I could speak, I am the one people go to for advice. The graduate degree just makes it official now.
I've found that my understanding of mind, thought & consciousness has been ongoing, and has had a ripple effect on those around me. In the crazy spin of things, my family of origin has been last to feel the ripple. I've struggled most to speak to them clearly about my understanding. I believe that this is because they really matter to me...I want them so badly to hear beyond my words that I focus on the outcome. The result is that I am not listening...and then I feel insecure (or is it the other way around?).
While "home" for the holidays I began to notice that I was really enjoying the process of advice giving. I was really good at hearing a complex question and boiling it down to the simplest terms by my understanding of mind, thought & consciousness. I was having quite a good time being the professional know-it-all!
As I observed myself, I realized this sense of grandeur. Translation, I was off the mark! I sat up in bed....the bed I had grown up in...thinking about what I really wanted to say to these family members. It was something like, "You know more than you give yourself credit. What do you think?".
So, the next night with my mom, the perfect moment came my way. She said she wondered if there was any hope for teens who had experienced serious and/or ongoing trauma. I wanted to yell out, "Of course! Each of us has the power to be well...as our birthright! The past is only alive in our thinking! Haven't you been listening?" :) Instead, I asked her what she thought. A nice conversation followed, in which I pointed out her mind and how she already depends on it for guidance.
Soon after my trip, she texted me a couple of cute things about positive thinking. It was clear to me that she was on the right track, but that she was missing something key. I knew this, because it was familiar to me...I, too, once thought The Principles were about controlling the matter of your thinking. It's an easy pitfall, but I couldn't find the words at first to put her back on the right path. That's why I love texting...a non-reply is okay for a while!
(I love this next part!) As I sat to write my blog today, I felt unsure of what exactly to discuss. I did what I often do, which is to pull a book out from my Principles library, flip to any page, and read for inspiration. Today I chose Our True Identity...Three Principles by Elsie Spittle.
And I read, "Please understand the process is not about controlling thought. It is about realizing that you are the thinker. Realizing this allows you to be more an observer of behavior, yours and others, without becoming attached to the behavior."
Brilliant! Exactly! This is what I was doing with my own thinking when I realized that I needed to listen to my family members and help them tap into their mind. This was also what I was unable to put into words to help my mom differentiate The Principles from positive thinking. Aw, now if that wasn't an insight, I don't know what is!
Gotta go...texting my mom now! :) Enjoy your observations of yourself and others in this hopeful 2011!
Monday, November 22, 2010
Today and Yesterday: A Thanksgiving Challenge
The mystics and wise people of today and yesterday often speak of the now. Admittedly, I have found myself annoyed by this concept in the past. I agree, that a clear mind brings you into the now, but no one was ever really explaining how to get a clear mind...or what a clear mind was. I practiced meditation, yoga, read books, found time to be surrounded by nature, observed my kids...all were sometimes beneficial, but I still felt uncertain. Then I learned of Mr. Sydney Banks:
In my life, dropping my ingrained thinking involved the idea of forgiveness and even empathy for people who had hurt me in the past. I did it (and continue to do so) quite naturally and with ease and even grace at times! This happened, because I know that my negative thinking and fixed grip on the past only hurts me. It makes me miss what is real right now & it makes me feel upset regardless of what is true now.
Dropping old thinking also required me to take full responsibility for my experience in life. I simply cannot be hurt by people in the same way that I was before I understood my own thinking. I so much more quickly, find my wisdom and am able to have a new perspective. My ways of functioning yesterday are not good enough today.
Ask yourself how often you spend each day thinking about hardships of the past or calling up old memories that are hard to tolerate? How often does this type of thinking allow you to create new fears or negativity for your future? When was the last time you allowed your five senses to notice the now?
This Thanksgiving is a perfect opportunity to look around at what you are thankful for. Take it all in...taste it, see it, smell it, feel it, hear it. If you find yourself in thoughts from the past or worries of the future, simply remind yourself that you got here by your own thoughts...you trusted a thought you should have ignored. Distract yourself, and zoom you'll be back to the now!
"When such people refer to the now, they mean the personal mind is free from the contaminants of yesterday's memories and fears...In clearing our minds, we may have to give up something to receive something."And, of course, Dr. Roger Mills:
"If we dwell on the past, these thoughts become our outlook, our self esteem, our self-image, now. Negative thoughts from the past only harm us when we allow them to create interference. Drop the attachment to ingrained habits of thinking."Like all wise souls, these two spoke of the same thing, and even completed the others statements. For me, what they did is offer me clarity and the realization that I am in total control of my experience. At first this information is scary, and I admit that I took baby steps initially. I only allowed myself so much enlightenment at a time! It quickly became clear to me that I must take a real leap of faith...and then another, and another...if my goal was harmony, well being, peace of mind, fabulous parenting, etc.
In my life, dropping my ingrained thinking involved the idea of forgiveness and even empathy for people who had hurt me in the past. I did it (and continue to do so) quite naturally and with ease and even grace at times! This happened, because I know that my negative thinking and fixed grip on the past only hurts me. It makes me miss what is real right now & it makes me feel upset regardless of what is true now.
Dropping old thinking also required me to take full responsibility for my experience in life. I simply cannot be hurt by people in the same way that I was before I understood my own thinking. I so much more quickly, find my wisdom and am able to have a new perspective. My ways of functioning yesterday are not good enough today.
Ask yourself how often you spend each day thinking about hardships of the past or calling up old memories that are hard to tolerate? How often does this type of thinking allow you to create new fears or negativity for your future? When was the last time you allowed your five senses to notice the now?
This Thanksgiving is a perfect opportunity to look around at what you are thankful for. Take it all in...taste it, see it, smell it, feel it, hear it. If you find yourself in thoughts from the past or worries of the future, simply remind yourself that you got here by your own thoughts...you trusted a thought you should have ignored. Distract yourself, and zoom you'll be back to the now!
Friday, November 5, 2010
For Parents: teaching and learning from your children
Children are the best teachers. For them it's so simple. They just see things from such a clear vantage point. A beautiful example of this came this morning. My daughter is almost 10 and she has been showing the early tell-tale signs of hormone surges. She becomes rude and sassy, but is also sensitive and easily hurt. We've been talking about it a lot...I've been trying to listen carefully.
This morning, it happened...the tide was high (to quote Blondie). She remained angry and on edge on the walk to school. I listened and told her I loved her...I asked her to be in charge of how seriously she was taking her own thinking. I pointed out examples of where her perception did not match the facts of the morning events. Still, she glared at me and fought back tears.
As we entered the school hallway, I began to be flooded with guilty thoughts as I saw all of the other happy children with their parents. Maybe I was favoring my son that morning? Maybe I am too strict? Maybe I was to blame for the entire mood of the family? Then it happened...hallway magic...the greatest experience.
A new friend of my daughter's said hello with a ginormous smile. You could feel behind her words how much she loved my daughter and how excited she was to see her. Contagiously, my daughter, son and myself were all smiling and feeling much better...in an instant. My daughter said hello back, and her voice sounded different. I looked at her...she was beaming. Her smile was bright, sincere, and in all parts of her face. They made plans to play at recess. With that, we all walked on happily...holding hands, and looking very much like the other families I had observed in the halls.
I should have known what my daughter needed...what we all needed was a distraction for our senses. I know enough about thought to know that there's always a new one around the corner, and when you feel bad it's time to drop the old and try on the new. I was just working really hard to make my daughter see the logic in this and act accordingly. That was exhausting and unsuccessful. Instead, her sweet friend gave her a new thought to consider. Like that...natural...no work needed.
Here's the thing that got me thinking...thinking about an idea I had often while in graduate school when certain diagnoses were discussed. This new friend of my daughter's is considered "special needs." This is the PC term & I got to thinking about it while walking home. To me this girl was clearly special. She lit my daughter up like Christmas morning. I was sure that she had a most beautiful effect on all who crossed her path. Yet, this society has dubbed her as someone who needs special things.
Is there something wrong with her, or is there something wrong with a society which cannot accept this child just as she is?
I say, that we've got it wrong. We adults have it wrong. The children accept each other openly and see each other's strengths. We put labels on someone. We drag our feet, refusing to open our minds, rather than bridging the gap. We forget that we are all connected and that we all have the fundamentals in common. It is something to consider for each of us. How often have you made decisions about a person based on fear, lack of information, or just based on habitual thinking? How often have you made decisions based on feelings of compassion, understanding, joy? Which process felt better?
I would like to thank my daughter for teaching me, once again, and in her own perfect way. I would like to thank my son for skipping along and holding my hand as he always does. AND, I would like to thank my daughter's new friend for being just like she is. She reminded me of some very important lessons today.
This morning, it happened...the tide was high (to quote Blondie). She remained angry and on edge on the walk to school. I listened and told her I loved her...I asked her to be in charge of how seriously she was taking her own thinking. I pointed out examples of where her perception did not match the facts of the morning events. Still, she glared at me and fought back tears.
As we entered the school hallway, I began to be flooded with guilty thoughts as I saw all of the other happy children with their parents. Maybe I was favoring my son that morning? Maybe I am too strict? Maybe I was to blame for the entire mood of the family? Then it happened...hallway magic...the greatest experience.
A new friend of my daughter's said hello with a ginormous smile. You could feel behind her words how much she loved my daughter and how excited she was to see her. Contagiously, my daughter, son and myself were all smiling and feeling much better...in an instant. My daughter said hello back, and her voice sounded different. I looked at her...she was beaming. Her smile was bright, sincere, and in all parts of her face. They made plans to play at recess. With that, we all walked on happily...holding hands, and looking very much like the other families I had observed in the halls.
I should have known what my daughter needed...what we all needed was a distraction for our senses. I know enough about thought to know that there's always a new one around the corner, and when you feel bad it's time to drop the old and try on the new. I was just working really hard to make my daughter see the logic in this and act accordingly. That was exhausting and unsuccessful. Instead, her sweet friend gave her a new thought to consider. Like that...natural...no work needed.
Here's the thing that got me thinking...thinking about an idea I had often while in graduate school when certain diagnoses were discussed. This new friend of my daughter's is considered "special needs." This is the PC term & I got to thinking about it while walking home. To me this girl was clearly special. She lit my daughter up like Christmas morning. I was sure that she had a most beautiful effect on all who crossed her path. Yet, this society has dubbed her as someone who needs special things.
Is there something wrong with her, or is there something wrong with a society which cannot accept this child just as she is?
I say, that we've got it wrong. We adults have it wrong. The children accept each other openly and see each other's strengths. We put labels on someone. We drag our feet, refusing to open our minds, rather than bridging the gap. We forget that we are all connected and that we all have the fundamentals in common. It is something to consider for each of us. How often have you made decisions about a person based on fear, lack of information, or just based on habitual thinking? How often have you made decisions based on feelings of compassion, understanding, joy? Which process felt better?
I would like to thank my daughter for teaching me, once again, and in her own perfect way. I would like to thank my son for skipping along and holding my hand as he always does. AND, I would like to thank my daughter's new friend for being just like she is. She reminded me of some very important lessons today.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Hero
This is THE story. The story of a woman who was one a girl.
As a girl, she was happy...carefree would be the best adjective. She was aware of the hardships...they were real, but she always found joy...she naturally found joy.
Of course, there were scars. Her father's coldness...so much inappropriateness. Her real dad's non-involvement. Her mother's dissolve-ment...what her dissolve meant.
Teenage years...painful, confusing. Lonely in a crowd. Everything seemed to hurt her...she seemed to hurt everyone.
She tried it all...self destruction, addictions, self-help. Still, no relief...no faith in herself or anyone else. Misunderstood & misunderstandings.
She left the country to find something, maybe herself. This was a good beginning...she needed to take better care. Time to come up for air...time to open up eyes closed tight. Time to see that the wall was not serving its purpose.
Change...change...change. Good and difficult. A new scene on the outside and a new look at the inside. A new family that she chose...a marriage..children...a love nest.
Still, not sure she could handle all that may come her way in this life. Still not calm and not navigating with ease. Still sure she was missing something...missing something she used to love.
Who knows why we do some things? For her, graduate school was the path that lead her to where her heart as already familiar. One class...ONE...in all three years of graduate school...held all the answers and reassurance for which she had searched high and low, long and far.
Her educator, her hero, came in the form of a jolly, brilliant, warm professor. Dr Roger Mills...the wisest man she had ever heard. The lightest her heart had felt for decades...the best feelings of home within the walls of a dingy, old classroom.
He spoke of inner wisdom...its buoyancy and reliability. He spoke of thinking...a powerful gift, not to be taken to seriously. "Keep it simple" he'd say with a chuckle. He spoke of levels of awareness and each person's ability to reach new experiences.
The girl knew instantly that she had found all she had looked for behind this man's words. She knew her security had been hers all the time. She knew that her old way of getting by was no longer good enough. She felt excited by life, by her children. Life was all new.
Suddenly, so many choices. Such a relief to count on yourself and know what a powerful effect you have on your own experience.
Now, well, now...this woman "finds the joy in the unknown, rather than the fear." Now all who are around her benefit from the love she carries with her...they feel it, hear it, see it.
Sadly, her hero passed on. She misses him, cherishes all of their moments together. He is still her hero. He still lives on in her. She hears him and sees him in her minds eye quite regularly.
Sometimes, while driving, she becomes full of thoughts of him and his family. She finds herself smiling and experiences the greatest warmth. The absence of his physical body has changed nothing about his effect.
This is true, you see, because there is something...something in each of us that is greater than us. Some call it spirituality, others the soul. She calls it wisdom. Call it whatever you want, for you have free will of your own, but the existence of this thing is not to be overlooked regardless of what verbiage you use.
The existence of this great wisdom, which we all have equal access to, is behind all great things then, now, and into the future. The existence of this allows us to say goodbye to a hero, without losing them.
As a girl, she was happy...carefree would be the best adjective. She was aware of the hardships...they were real, but she always found joy...she naturally found joy.
Of course, there were scars. Her father's coldness...so much inappropriateness. Her real dad's non-involvement. Her mother's dissolve-ment...what her dissolve meant.
Teenage years...painful, confusing. Lonely in a crowd. Everything seemed to hurt her...she seemed to hurt everyone.
She tried it all...self destruction, addictions, self-help. Still, no relief...no faith in herself or anyone else. Misunderstood & misunderstandings.
She left the country to find something, maybe herself. This was a good beginning...she needed to take better care. Time to come up for air...time to open up eyes closed tight. Time to see that the wall was not serving its purpose.
Change...change...change. Good and difficult. A new scene on the outside and a new look at the inside. A new family that she chose...a marriage..children...a love nest.
Still, not sure she could handle all that may come her way in this life. Still not calm and not navigating with ease. Still sure she was missing something...missing something she used to love.
Who knows why we do some things? For her, graduate school was the path that lead her to where her heart as already familiar. One class...ONE...in all three years of graduate school...held all the answers and reassurance for which she had searched high and low, long and far.
Her educator, her hero, came in the form of a jolly, brilliant, warm professor. Dr Roger Mills...the wisest man she had ever heard. The lightest her heart had felt for decades...the best feelings of home within the walls of a dingy, old classroom.
He spoke of inner wisdom...its buoyancy and reliability. He spoke of thinking...a powerful gift, not to be taken to seriously. "Keep it simple" he'd say with a chuckle. He spoke of levels of awareness and each person's ability to reach new experiences.
The girl knew instantly that she had found all she had looked for behind this man's words. She knew her security had been hers all the time. She knew that her old way of getting by was no longer good enough. She felt excited by life, by her children. Life was all new.
Suddenly, so many choices. Such a relief to count on yourself and know what a powerful effect you have on your own experience.
Now, well, now...this woman "finds the joy in the unknown, rather than the fear." Now all who are around her benefit from the love she carries with her...they feel it, hear it, see it.
Sadly, her hero passed on. She misses him, cherishes all of their moments together. He is still her hero. He still lives on in her. She hears him and sees him in her minds eye quite regularly.
Sometimes, while driving, she becomes full of thoughts of him and his family. She finds herself smiling and experiences the greatest warmth. The absence of his physical body has changed nothing about his effect.
This is true, you see, because there is something...something in each of us that is greater than us. Some call it spirituality, others the soul. She calls it wisdom. Call it whatever you want, for you have free will of your own, but the existence of this thing is not to be overlooked regardless of what verbiage you use.
The existence of this great wisdom, which we all have equal access to, is behind all great things then, now, and into the future. The existence of this allows us to say goodbye to a hero, without losing them.
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