Today's blog is a bit different. Usually I write when something has occurred to me...when some insight has given me new clarity. On this day I feel a bit murky, although I am in familiar waters. My hope is twofold: One, that as I write I might free-flow myself right into my own answer. I'm a firm believer that we all have our own answers if we only listen, so this will be a test of sorts. Two, that some of you who are reading this may comment with your insights and ideas. I'd love nothing more than to learn from what I may hear in the words you share. So please, this is no time to be shy!
So, here it is...I recently spent time with an undisclosed loved one . We go way back...I should be perfectly comfortable, right? But I was not. In fact, I felt so uncomfortable that I actually got nauseous and thought I was going to be physically ill. As I sat late that night at home feeling 100% better, I began to ponder what all of this means. In truth, I did not have to ponder, rather I had to admit. This was not the first time this spontaneous nausea had happened to me, and I was very clear about what was happening. I was, however (and still am a little bit), confused about why I actually felt physically ill.
The truth is that I've changed a lot over the last handful of years. I've found it easy to change some old and longstanding habits. It's been magical...like I look one day, and OMG, I just don't have that habit anymore. But this one...this bite your tongue and endure one...has lived on long and strong. Why is it with some people that I ignore what I know...what I need...in order to not upset them? Why am I willing to do this at the price of annihilating my own experience and my connection with them in real time? Why do I sit quietly while I'm screaming in my head...and churning in my gut?
In my physical brain, I know better. I know that this fear I'm creating in my thinking is way bigger than any truth that I have to bare to this dear person. I also know that if I were to speak up, I'd be able to deliver my message with love...it would come from a place of love. Yet, still I vouch for a night of stomach cramping nausea over a moment of honesty dialogue.
Another thing I know is that we cannot control others, and that it is not wise to take other people's thoughts or actions too personally. Yet I sat with this person and seemed to take on (physically) the entire effect of the night. What am I afraid of?...or more importantly, why am I allowing this fear to be so real and alive in my life? Didn't I just make it up in my thinking when I told myself that speaking the truth would be tragic? Why then am I choosing to believe it as though it is factual?
Somehow "knowing" these things was not enough...I still got lost and found myself ill. It was like my stomach said, "Well, screw you if you're going to function at such a low level!". So this is new...this physical response to me quieting myself just when I should speak up. The habit, however, is old and very engraved in my thinking. It is one of those thoughts that I've called up so consistently, that despite what I know intellectually, I still find myself in it again before I'm even aware of it.
So then, it's going to take some greater awareness and some courage too. Courage to test out what I already know is true...my feelings tell me what is right and true for me. Then it's up to me what I do with that information. Sometimes my thoughts can not be trusted, and when I realize this I have to trust myself more deeply. My true self...the me that's way beyond my little personal thoughts.
In terms of awareness, I can see my nausea as a beautiful gift in some way now. It is a very real indicator that I am believing this thought that "I must be quiet...kind...go along with it" again. It's an indicator that's really hard to ignore. My body has created a signal that matches the need. It's up to me to use this gift wisely as the kick start, that I obviously need, when it's time to speak up! "This is no time to be shy Cory", my stomach is quite bluntly telling me in the only way it can.
Have I just solved my own problem? Perhaps, but I still welcome all your thoughts. We all stumble and fall. We all have something that trips us up, and we all have our own solutions. My hunch is that it always has something to do with not believing everything you think & maybe not taking yourself so seriously. What do you think?