I thought I knew the key players in my game. I thought I knew the path and the destination. I had a plan that was outside of my awareness...until I began to feel that things weren't going my way. When I heard myself feeling this way, it woke me up.
"My way"...this was the problem. Life was not unfolding according to my ideas of the future. People were not acting as I thought they should. Opportunities were not coming my way as they needed to. Life began to feel hard, sad...I began to feel discouraged, withdrawn.
I started to notice that small acts of kindness felt far and few between, but meant a lot to me. I needed a boost, a pep talk, a friend & I was looking for them all around. I realized I was at a familiar and uncomfortable place...the place right where & when change is possible. I was tempted to feel concerned about my feeling state. I was tempted to dig my heals in and force life into my plan. But these ideas felt old and worn out...not good enough.
Instead I acknowledged my mood. I allowed my place in time to feel like it did. I got quiet. I got an insight...I can't and don't need to change the players, the plot, the path or the destination. Life is just unfolding as it should in a totally neutral and natural way. It wasn't the events that were problematic, it was my "should's" and "supposed to's" that were creating a lot of grief for me. I had forgotten that I get to decide what I create, believe, hold on to, make meaning of.
There is a certain freedom and expansion that comes with knowing this...seeing this...as you stand at the edge of a cliff you never intended to visit. The honesty of truly knowing that you don't know leaves you open to all things. There is an excitement and playful curiosity in this kind of re-setting. There is a rejuvenation in the fact that life is an adventure and formless perfection. Its the fitting life into our form that creates hardships. Suddenly the cliff is an adventure and you realize you have all the gear you need to conquer it in stellar style.
As I look out at my reality now I'm so much more aware that I'm really looking in. All that there is to see and experience is beautiful, powerful, just right in its true state. My ability to question what I'm believing and experiencing has been re-awoken and life looks different in an instant. Suddenly I do not have to "change" myself or anyone else. I don't have to carry the hard-feelings, disappointment, or control. My job looks very different, and comes with a different feeling.
My "work" is to remember who's doing the seeing. My job is to stay open to and aware of my path as it unfolds, which is so much more fun than mapping out a plan and then feverishly fitting it into what unfolds.
I kept remembering as I struggled that I wanted to at least be graceful if I could not be grateful at that time. BUT, I knew that gratitude was where I really wanted to be. Thank goodness I knew enough to not try to be grateful, but to instead be quiet. All it took to re-light my excitement and curiosity was to be willing to hear and follow what came to me.
This is such a gift to know how to adjust and to be reminded that I do not need anyone or anything to do this. We are created in such a self-sufficient and empowering way. AND we are also hardwired to connect with others. It's no surprise then, that as I re-learned how to navigate, I began to see others without such harsh edges. As I changed the grip I had on my perspective, the appearance of the world (and the people in it) also changed.
It comes down to respecting the source more than the personal thinking that we endlessly create. It also comes down to awareness so that we have the wherewithal to question the story we have created. No one else can do this for us...we must and get to heal thy self!