Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Heal Thy Self

I thought I knew the key players in my game.  I thought I knew the path and the destination.  I had a plan that was outside of my awareness...until I began to feel that things weren't going my way.  When I heard myself feeling this way, it woke me up. 

"My way"...this was the problem.  Life was not unfolding according to my ideas of the future.  People were not acting as I thought they should.  Opportunities were not coming my way as they needed to.  Life began to feel hard, sad...I began to feel discouraged, withdrawn. 

I started to notice that small acts of kindness felt far and few between, but meant a lot to me.  I needed a boost, a pep talk, a friend & I was looking for them all around.  I realized I was at a familiar and uncomfortable place...the place right where & when change is possible.  I was tempted to feel concerned about my feeling state.  I was tempted to dig my heals in and force life into my plan.  But these ideas felt old and worn out...not good enough. 

Instead I acknowledged my mood.  I allowed my place in time to feel like it did.  I got quiet.  I got an insight...I can't and don't need to change the players, the plot, the path or the destination.  Life is just unfolding as it should in a totally neutral and natural way.  It wasn't the events that were problematic, it was my "should's" and "supposed to's" that were creating a lot of grief for me.  I had forgotten that I get to decide what I create, believe, hold on to, make meaning of. 

There is a certain freedom and expansion that comes with knowing this...seeing you stand at the edge of a cliff you never intended to visit.  The honesty of truly knowing that you don't know leaves you open to all things.  There is an excitement and playful curiosity in this kind of re-setting.  There is a rejuvenation in the fact that life is an adventure and formless perfection.  Its the fitting life into our form that creates hardships.  Suddenly the cliff is an adventure and you realize you have all the gear you need to conquer it in stellar style. 

As I look out at my reality now I'm so much more aware that I'm really looking in.  All that there is to see and experience is beautiful, powerful, just right in its true state.  My ability to question what I'm believing and experiencing has been re-awoken and life looks different in an instant.  Suddenly I do not have to "change" myself or anyone else.  I don't have to carry the hard-feelings, disappointment, or control.  My job looks very different, and comes with a different feeling.

My "work" is to remember who's doing the seeing.  My job is to stay open to and aware of my path as it unfolds, which is so much more fun than mapping out a plan and then feverishly fitting it into what unfolds.
I kept remembering as I struggled that I wanted to at least be graceful if I could not be grateful at that time.  BUT, I knew that gratitude was where I really wanted to be.  Thank goodness I knew enough to not try to be grateful, but to instead be quiet.  All it took to re-light my excitement and curiosity was to be willing to hear and follow what came to me.

This is such a gift to know how to adjust and to be reminded that I do not need anyone or anything to do this.  We are created in such a self-sufficient and empowering way.  AND we are also hardwired to connect with others.  It's no surprise then, that as I re-learned how to navigate, I began to see others without such harsh edges.  As I changed the grip I had on my perspective, the appearance of the world (and the people in it) also changed. 

It comes down to respecting the source more than the personal thinking that we endlessly create.  It also comes down to awareness so that we have the wherewithal to question the story we have created.  No one else can do this for us...we must and get to heal thy self!

Monday, January 27, 2014

"Worry is a misuse of imagination"

This beautiful quote by Dan Zadra is one I stumbled onto about a year ago.  I loved it instantly and began to apply it to my life.  The application was a practice of sorts...I'd remember the quote when I noticed myself fretting.  This would help me remember that I am making it all up when I plan the future, and then I'm believing my story and feeling the effects of it.  This application was helpful, but mostly when I had already began to regain my footing. During the height of my concern or worry, this application did not serve me beyond simply distracting me from my thinking for long enough for new/healthier thinking to come along as an option.  This is not nothing, but there is more.

There's a difference between application of an understanding, and implications.  Implications go beyond intellect to knowing.  For me, moving into implications of how I use my thinking, awareness and insights has meant a willingness to see it everywhere and in everyone.  This has been most evident and measurable in terms of how seriously I take my feelings of worry and panic when they hit.  Let me explain...

I am not by nature a worrier.  I don't usually find myself in a worried state automatically and tend to be fairly optimistic about the present and future.  However, I do have a kryptonite. It's become very apparent to me over the last month or two.   The thing that sends me straight into worry that is both automatic and intense is when my kids are not doing well physically.  It's scary to me & my thinking feels real so fast.  This is very clear to me because over the last month one of my kids has had a broken shoulder, the flu and head lice.   My other child got a severe earache that had him in the emergency room and urgent care with complications for a week. 

As hard as I tried, I could not think my way to a happy place for long.  I was faint, nauseated and not well.  Don't get me wrong, I stepped up and did everything my kids needed, but I also felt at times that I was barely hangin' on myself.  At one point...I think it was when I found out about the lice...I felt too exhausted to combat my worry.  Too exhausted to look into the future and gauge all of the jobs that were required and all of the things that could go wrong. 

Instead I just became willing to see the bigger picture.  It felt like this happened despite the state I was in.  As if some part of me led the way & this tired part of me just followed.  From here I could see how silly and consuming my worry was.  Because of what I understand about the Three Principles of Mind, Thought & Consciousness, there were implications for me.  I could not take my worrisome thinking seriously anymore.  It seemed so rudimentary and close-minded that for me to believe in it would be ridiculous.  I no longer felt I was trying to put my thinking into an understanding, but instead (& quite naturally) my understanding was allowing me to see the nature of my thinking. New thinking was suddenly full of gratitude and compassion for those who had more to worry about than I do.  New feelings of capability and calm washed over me.

This is what has helped me in a sustainable way as life continues to bring new opportunities to worry about my kids and their physical health.  This knowing about how life experience is created at each turn in the road has nothing to do with trying or recalling, but instead has to do with tuning in to the powerful source of well-being that we are.  At first it can feel like it requires a great leap of faith to listen to the direction of your own mind.  We can get used to listening to all the hardship we create, but when we believe less in the reality we've created, we automatically are open to where we really belong.  You just find yourself there with what you need to move forward. 

This following album insert seems to speak to this idea of where our thinking can take us, the wiser part of us that never goes anywhere during these times, and how time changes what we see:

"This record is about waiting for things, and boredom, and over analysis, and angst, and all that.  But it's also about bravery, about confidence, hatred and love.  I poured my brain and heart into this, and maybe I'll hate it in two years, because that's the nature of being my age, but for now, it's the most powerful thing I can give." ~ Lorde

My wish for you is that you use your imagination to create and experience life as you wish to...And when you create something that feels more like a nightmare, may you never loose sight of the bigger you who sees beyond whatever you're currently creating.