Perspective Changes Everything

"If you don’t like something change it; if you can’t change it, change the way you think about it."

– Mary Engelbreit

Anyone can read this quote and recognize the simple brilliance it points to, but the power isn't in the recognition.  The power is in the experiencing...the power comes when you find yourself a changed person.  Recently, I was fortunate enough to experience a change in perspective and all that unfolded from it.  It reminded me how easily and quickly change occurs.  It always seems to happen unbeknownst to me, and by the time I notice it my reality has already shifted.  This is quite to the contrary of mainstream's view of change, which usually involves a long, painful process wherein one must "re-train" themselves.

Let me begin with a story.  It's my story (or part of it at least) simplified for everyone's benefit.  I did not grow up with my biological father, but I did grow up with a dad.  He meant a lot to me, naturally.  As time went on and I entered my teenage years, trouble hit my parent's marriage & my dad began to check out.  One of the things that he began to do with his time was to become a mentor to various young kids in our small town.  He began to spend a lot of time with other kids and he began to financially support them, as well.  

 

I was jealous and hurt.  I carried this with me far into the future.  I hit certain levels of forgiveness and acceptance with my dad over the years, but I kept my boundaries firmly in place.  I would, occasionally, hear about someone new in his life and how he was helping them.  It always was upsetting.  It was always personal even when I knew this was foolish.

There was one girl in particular that I had avoided.  I avoided her, because my dad really loves her.  She calls him dad...he walked her down the isle on her wedding day.  He bought her a car, bought her a restaurant.  People around town have asked my sisters why they never met our fourth sister sooner, yet I had never met her.  It was all so overwhelming that I just decided to never meet her and to avoid thoughts of her in general.  

Recently, though, in the last few weeks I have been experiencing my time with my dad differently.  My perspective just seemed to soften.  He looks older to me...he seems different.  I don't think, in actuality, that he changed in the last few weeks, but the way I see him changed a lot.  My thoughts of him changed & so the lens I see him through is also different.  

There have been a handful of positive results due to this change in perspective.  All of them can be summed up by the fact that when I think of my dad now, I smile.  I smile, not roll my eyes...this feels wonderful...free...sweet.  Beyond this, however, my new thinking created a specific experience that I know would not have happened within the confines of my old reality.  

While visiting my hometown for the weekend, I made lunch plans with my dad.  I know he always eats at the restaurant that he co-owns, but this time I did not suggest somewhere else...I did not squirm in my shoes while my stomach turned inside out.  I just smiled, felt peaceful, and said to myself and to him, "why not?".  As it turns out, my dad, my daughter & I had a delicious lunch full of laughter and love.  We met this girl who I had previously despised, and I found her to be kind and sincere.  I left feeling glad that my dad had helped her.  No threat in site...completely secure.  I felt such love for my dad.  I felt so glad to have my daughter experience it with me.  There was no room for my old perspective, because this new place fit just right.

 

So, what's the lesson here?  I'm not sure.  If it just took knowing that perspective changes everything, we'd all be "fixed".  It takes having faith that your perspective will self-correct.  This way, there is no forcing it...no willing it to be.  There is only the experience of chasing a good feeling...knowing that this will take you to where you belong.  Then with all the ease and grace of saint you, like I did, will find yourself changed and seeing with new eyes.

Go Ahead & Get Uncomfortable

There's been a word that keeps popping up in the quiet moments when insights come.  "Comfortable."  The meaning used to be very clear.  Something to do with ease and it was a desirable place to be.  No one ever wants to be uncomfortable, and for most of my life I've taken feelings of discomfort as a sign that I must be off track.  Comfortable is even defined as "being free from stress and tension."  Being comfortable, then, is the desired outcome. 

I am convinced, however, that being uncomfortable is not only good, it is necessary.  A lot of the wonderful things that I find joy in have come from/with some great discomfort.  For example, when I think about my new involvement in a recreational roller derby team, the word comfort does not come to mind.  In fact, I would say that it is most definitely uncomfortable.  My empty bottle of tiger balm confirms this fact, but the thing is that roller derby has brought me so much joy.  I am proud of myself & I'm getting stronger.  I'm following a wild insight I had, even though I've been uncomfortable all along the way...even though other people are uncomfortable with my choice. 

Many times along the way I have tried, via my scaredy-cat personal thinking, to talk myself out of my new hobby.  Even while on the track, I've had to override my wimpy thoughts and clear my head.  What's left is just me and the clarity that I am happy to be doing what I'm doing.  Comfort can't hold a candle to happiness. 

For me, it seems that insights, whether it be regarding a business plan, a romantic choice, or even a hobby, at some point require a leap of faith.  It's one thing to get an insight from your Mind, but it's quite another thing to act on it.  Maybe this fear is where this notion that being uncomfortable is bad got it's roots.  Maybe it lies in the fact that historically & collectively we've spent a lot of time shying away from our insights.  Then we've needed to convince ourselves that the safer more comfortable choice was the right one.  And here we've sat with no real understanding of discomfort and all its glory. 

This theory about comfort has many holes in it, after all.  First of all, when you deny the truth that you know, it does not go away...even as you sit comfortably.  Conversely, when you take a leap of faith...and follow what you feel to be right for you, you are always rewarded.  You always find what you were hoping for & much more.  This requires some discomfort though, because doing something that was not planned by your personal thinking also sometimes means it does not make logical sense.  Others may question you from their comfortable chairs.  You'll have nothing to say, except that even with some discomfort it still feels right.

I'll leave you with one question before you decide how optimal comfort is for you.  Think for a moment about all the moments...or THE moment...in your life for which you are truly proud.  It can be anything, and you'll know it because of the strong feelings the memory evokes as you recall it.  Now, think about this memory.  Was it full of comfort, or were there times when you had to go down the bumpy road of discomfort? 

So, what's to stop you from flinging yourself at discomfort when it shows up along the path you've chosen for yourself?  I, myself, am putting out a welcome mat for all discomfort that comes as I pursue my insights and dreams.  For this is where all of my learning comes from...this is where I build the next memory for which I will recall later with pride.  I wish nothing less for you!

This Is No Time To Be Shy

Today's blog is a bit different.  Usually I write when something has occurred to me...when some insight has given me new clarity.  On this day I feel a bit murky, although I am in familiar waters.  My hope is twofold: One, that as I write I might free-flow myself right into my own answer.  I'm a firm believer that we all have our own answers if we only listen, so this will be a test of sorts.  Two, that some of you who are reading this may comment with your insights and ideas.  I'd love nothing more than to learn from what I may hear in the words you share.  So please, this is no time to be shy!

So, here it is...I recently spent time with an undisclosed loved one .  We go way back...I should be perfectly comfortable, right?  But I was not.  In fact, I felt so uncomfortable that I actually got nauseous and thought I was going to be physically ill.  As I sat late that night at home feeling 100% better, I began to ponder what all of this means.  In truth, I did not have to ponder, rather I had to admit.  This was not the first time this spontaneous nausea had happened to me, and I was very clear about what was happening.  I was, however (and still am a little bit), confused about why I actually felt physically ill.

The truth is that I've changed a lot over the last handful of years.  I've found it easy to change some old and longstanding habits.  It's been magical...like I look one day, and OMG, I just don't have that habit anymore.  But this one...this bite your tongue and endure one...has lived on long and strong.  Why is it with some people that I ignore what I know...what I need...in order to not upset them?  Why am I willing to do this at the price of annihilating my own experience and my connection with them in real time?   Why do I sit quietly while I'm screaming in my head...and churning in my gut? 

In my physical brain, I know better.  I know that this fear I'm creating in my thinking is way bigger than any truth that I have to bare to this dear person.  I also know that if I were to speak up, I'd be able to deliver my message with love...it would come from a place of love.  Yet, still I vouch for a night of stomach cramping nausea over a moment of honesty dialogue.

Another thing I know is that we cannot control others, and that it is not wise to take other people's thoughts or actions too personally.  Yet I sat with this person and seemed to take on (physically) the entire effect of the night.  What am I afraid of?...or more importantly, why am I allowing this fear to be so real and alive in my life?  Didn't I just make it up in my thinking when I told myself that speaking the truth would be tragic?  Why then am I choosing to believe it as though it is factual?

Somehow "knowing" these things was not enough...I still got lost and found myself ill.  It was like my stomach said, "Well, screw you if you're going to function at such a low level!".  So this is new...this physical response to me quieting myself just when I should speak up.  The habit, however, is old and very engraved in my thinking.  It is one of those thoughts that I've called up so consistently, that despite what I know intellectually, I still find myself in it again before I'm even aware of it.

So then, it's going to take some greater awareness and some courage too.  Courage to test out what I already know is true...my feelings tell me what is right and true for me.  Then it's up to me what I do with that information.  Sometimes my thoughts can not be trusted, and when I realize this I have to trust myself more deeply.  My true self...the me that's way beyond my little personal thoughts. 

In terms of awareness, I can see my nausea as a beautiful gift in some way now.  It is a very real indicator that I am believing this thought that "I must be quiet...kind...go along with it" again.  It's an indicator that's really hard to ignore.  My body has created a signal that matches the need.  It's up to me to use this gift wisely as the kick start, that I obviously need, when it's time to speak up!  "This is no time to be shy Cory", my stomach is quite bluntly telling me in the only way it can.

Have I just solved my own problem?  Perhaps, but I still welcome all your thoughts.  We all stumble and fall.  We all have something that trips us up, and we all have our own solutions.  My hunch is that it always has something to do with not believing everything you think & maybe not taking yourself so seriously.  What do you think?   

Feelings: Invention vs Factualism

Do not give in too much to feelings. 

A overly sensitive heart is an unhappy possession on this shaky earth.  

~ Goethe, Johann Wolfgang Von

Feelings...they must be the most misunderstood human phenomenon to date.  We, as a society, have built up tremendous truths about feelings, and we have created practices that represent and protect these truths.  Take our legal system, for example.  It has terminology especially dedicated to how feelings may impact the law...crime of passion, temporary insanity, competency, hostile witness, no-fault divorce, etc.  

We don't understand feelings, exactly, so we make up a lot of excuses for ourselves...excuses that are widely accepted.  When I get mad, I cannot control myself...He/she made me feel this way...I can't help/change the way I feel...When I feel depressed, I've just gotta go through it.  Sound familiar?

But, the more important question is, does it really sound true?  A simple look at human experience points to a logical sequence.  It goes like this: 

1. A person has a thought.  This happens all the time, but to this thought, he/she gives attention.  

2. Very soon many thoughts in support of this original idea have been created in a moments time.  

3. Before we are even aware of this process, we find ourselves in a feeling.  We are further convinced that this feeling is a reality, because we've built up a lot of thinking about it already. 

4. Our five senses begin to re-confirm what we created, and we are now only aware of what will confirm our current personal thinking.  

5. From this some behaviors are likely to follow, and we are likely left feeling that we are at the mercy of our feelings.

I am here to tell you say that this old logic regarding feelings is not good enough, or even valid!  Feelings are the proof of what we are doing with our thinking.  They are a barometer for your quality of thinking from moment to moment.  This is why even during times of grief, we may have moments of contentment or a burst of laughter.  We can create what we want.  This is the actual opposite of being at the mercy of our feelings.  In fact we are the creator of our feelings.  What good news!..."Spread the news, the wicked old which at last is dead!"    d

All it takes is a new way of understanding your feelings...the curiosity to experiment next time feelings start to seem too big.  When you remind yourself that your feelings indicate that you've stepped out of your natural state and have given life to personal thoughts, a funny thing happens.  Those thoughts just die.  You've expose them as what they are...your creation...the man behind the wizard's curtain, and from this vantage point it's the most natural thing to see that you have so many other options.

I'll leave you with the wise, Darlene Stewart (1993, pg 167):

"Mental health doesn't mean you never have negative feelings or bad moods.  Mental health is knowing what negative feelings are so you don't use them as an excuse to hurt yourself or someone else.  Emotional maturity doesn't mean you never feel scared or despondent; it means you have the wisdom to recognize uncomfortable feelings as outgrowths of the way you are thinking right now."

The Art of Distraction

The art of distraction is often overlooked...minimized...misunderstood.  This may be because lots of us believe that our reality is a real thing...a factual thing that happens outside of us.  We think it is viewable from where we stand, but we fail to recognize that it is created right where we stand. 

Darlene L. Stewart said it best when she said, "Whatever we believe becomes real for us, even if it isn't real to anyone else.  If I believe in shortage of time, I'll never have enough time.  If I believe learning is hard, I'll struggle with it...If I believe people don't like me, I'll behave in ways that eventually pushes them away.  Then I'll say, 'I knew it. People just don't like me.' " (1993, p. 85). 

And so here we are with our beliefs that become real...a reality, and with a perception that allows us to see exactly what we believe.  This is where most of us live, and most of us long for some understanding or way to effect our reality.  Such a simple thing, but only when you've gained some understanding regarding the tremendous power you possess through your use of thought.

Thought is that factor that is responsible for your reality, and it is absolutley something that you get to steer and choose.  What we think about something equates how we experience it through our senses and our feelings.  If you experiment with this truth, you will see it for yourself.

Most of us on any given day find ourselves in compulsive thinking, that is not conducive to well being in any way.  This puts us in a mood, and this often leads to behavior choices.  Now, if you know anything about thinking, you also know that thoughts come fast...we can't possible make ourselves not think something.  BUT, what we can do is recognize that a thought is just mental material that we make up.  We get to decide if we believe it...if we want to give power to it, or render it powerless.

This is where the underappreciated art of distracion comes in!  Any time you are in a thought pattern that you are not enjoying, the way to a more enjoyable experience is to drop that thinking and make room for a new insight.  Dropping your thinking can simply not be done by willpower or thinking it away.  You must distract yourself momentarily...that's it.

You see, this is true, because your wisdom and well-being are buoyant.  They will rise to the surface on their own if you get out of the way for a moment.  Now, you may be skeptical about this, and I respect that, but just experiment if you feel so inclined!  The next time you are in a feeling that you dislike, give yourself permission to have a mini-distraction.  Allow your senses to be wrapped up in something else for a moment and see where this takes you.  Be aware that this experiment is an experiment in thought dropping.  Once you realize that you do this all the time, you'll be able to do it intentionally with the purpose of creating the reality that you want to see, feel, and live in.  Have fun!

A Child's Wisdom

"Children are a wonderful gift . . . They have an extraordinary capacity to see into the heart of things and to expose sham and humbug for what they are." ~Desmond Tutu 

Thank goodness for children!  I've said it before.  It is true, and I'm aware of how quickly they can pull someone right into a good feeling.  They have a way of living here...in the place where good feelings are, and we, as adults, somehow live somewhere else...eventually even forgetting to visit this place of well being. 

We become such over-thinkers.  We explain less about our actions and expect others to understand more...to bend to fit us.  Children, well they just find happiness in what they are doing...usually and quite naturally.  They are not in control of a lot that goes on around them...they are not trying to be in control.  They're just marching to a happy little tune within their heart.

It becomes so easy as we live and travel so many bends in the road, to be in judgement of others...to blame...to complain & take personally.  It takes a lot of energy to do this...to stay in a bad feeling, but we have become excellent at it. 

So much time is spent on expectations...and then on disappointment when our ideals aren't met...that the moment is lost.  We are in our heads rather than in our moment.

Children, on the other hand, use their mind for imagination, creativity, exercise...generally on how to make any given moment as fabulous & rich as possible.  Children are using all of their senses and coordination so that life becomes curious and adventurous. 

So much there is to learn from children and their natural simplicity.  A nice swing ride in the breeze...20 minutes of bubble blowing...one t-ball game...a remedy every time.  Something sweet to distract us from our own creating 

The world is there for us to experience as we choose through our own lens of thought.  Wisdom and insight come in many forms, but none is more efficient and honest than that delivered via children.

Memories...RIP!

Memory...a powerful part of our life.  Really just old thinking, and not to be confused with accuracy or fact.  An old story from an old perspective, yet it has the ability to create new reality and experiences in real time.  We call up our memories without much awareness of the process, and then experience whatever feelings surface.  This, of course, colors our mood in the present moment, and then dictates the nature of our reaction or behavior.  When it is put simply like this, it begins to make sense that we should be careful what memories we pull up, but somehow this simplicity turns to complexity and the truth gets lost in our overwhelming experiences from yesterday.

Our society values memory.  We even believe that it is our experiences from the past that make us who we are today.  This limits us so vastly!  Losing memory is seen as devastating, leaving others around us to feel upset and personally impacted by the loss of data.  What if, though, loosing memory (or the grip it has on you) actually was seen as a great gift allowing you the willingness to be comfortable in the unknown?  A fresh start where you are aware of your creation of meaning-making as you go.  No old, out of place fears...no supposed to's...no shouldn'ts...no struggle with forgiveness...no resistance to healthy change.

We all have experiences from our past that represent a time when deep rooted patterns began.  These traits or personalities that develop are then rarely questioned later, despite the negative impact that often comes from living out of the moment. 

People are willing to give up on dreams, loose a loved one, deny themselves, etc, but we are not willing to question the quality of our thinking.  This keeps us on auto pilot...status-quo.  More importantly, it makes us all feel powerless to, or at least inefficient at, rising above our past.
For me, this just isn't good enough.  There are too many painful memories...too many regrets...too many hardships to carry.  Luckily, I know that the only one who keeps me experiencing my past today is me!  I also know that being aware of today's surprises is exactly what creates the life that I want to live.  When I pull up old memories, I know it right away, because I feel insecure...vulnerable...like a lost soul.  When this feeling comes over me, I simply look around and notice how my feeling does not match my environment.  It is easy to see that I have gotten lost in my thinking.

At this point, I don't do anything.  I don't work hard.  I don't become hard on myself.  I just remind myself that I have created my experience based on my personal thinking.  I know that in this state of mind, I have lost my awareness of "now" and I have blocked off my ability to have new insights.  I have muffled the voice of wisdom that is always buoyant inside of me.

By doing this, I become distracted from my current thinking, and the past dies a quiet and instant death.  RIP!  Now things can happen for me that I couldn't even see before.  Suddenly clarity is mine, and I don't feel the need to take other people's thinking personally.  We are all just here on this earth doing our best.  Most of us don't have an understanding of the power of thinking, and we therefore are living a life that is below our potential.  If we could all pay attention to the times when our perspective no longer seems to fit, memory would loose its power.  The power would be returned to us as individuals who are not here to know everything, but are here to willingly be in the unknown.  It is only in this place that we can be aware of our opportunities today.  It is only here that peace and well being can replace fear as the driving factor in our lives.  It must start with you...today's you!