Feelings: Invention vs Factualism

Do not give in too much to feelings. 

A overly sensitive heart is an unhappy possession on this shaky earth.  

~ Goethe, Johann Wolfgang Von

Feelings...they must be the most misunderstood human phenomenon to date.  We, as a society, have built up tremendous truths about feelings, and we have created practices that represent and protect these truths.  Take our legal system, for example.  It has terminology especially dedicated to how feelings may impact the law...crime of passion, temporary insanity, competency, hostile witness, no-fault divorce, etc.  

We don't understand feelings, exactly, so we make up a lot of excuses for ourselves...excuses that are widely accepted.  When I get mad, I cannot control myself...He/she made me feel this way...I can't help/change the way I feel...When I feel depressed, I've just gotta go through it.  Sound familiar?

But, the more important question is, does it really sound true?  A simple look at human experience points to a logical sequence.  It goes like this: 

1. A person has a thought.  This happens all the time, but to this thought, he/she gives attention.  

2. Very soon many thoughts in support of this original idea have been created in a moments time.  

3. Before we are even aware of this process, we find ourselves in a feeling.  We are further convinced that this feeling is a reality, because we've built up a lot of thinking about it already. 

4. Our five senses begin to re-confirm what we created, and we are now only aware of what will confirm our current personal thinking.  

5. From this some behaviors are likely to follow, and we are likely left feeling that we are at the mercy of our feelings.

I am here to tell you say that this old logic regarding feelings is not good enough, or even valid!  Feelings are the proof of what we are doing with our thinking.  They are a barometer for your quality of thinking from moment to moment.  This is why even during times of grief, we may have moments of contentment or a burst of laughter.  We can create what we want.  This is the actual opposite of being at the mercy of our feelings.  In fact we are the creator of our feelings.  What good news!..."Spread the news, the wicked old which at last is dead!"    d

All it takes is a new way of understanding your feelings...the curiosity to experiment next time feelings start to seem too big.  When you remind yourself that your feelings indicate that you've stepped out of your natural state and have given life to personal thoughts, a funny thing happens.  Those thoughts just die.  You've expose them as what they are...your creation...the man behind the wizard's curtain, and from this vantage point it's the most natural thing to see that you have so many other options.

I'll leave you with the wise, Darlene Stewart (1993, pg 167):

"Mental health doesn't mean you never have negative feelings or bad moods.  Mental health is knowing what negative feelings are so you don't use them as an excuse to hurt yourself or someone else.  Emotional maturity doesn't mean you never feel scared or despondent; it means you have the wisdom to recognize uncomfortable feelings as outgrowths of the way you are thinking right now."

The Art of Distraction

The art of distraction is often overlooked...minimized...misunderstood.  This may be because lots of us believe that our reality is a real thing...a factual thing that happens outside of us.  We think it is viewable from where we stand, but we fail to recognize that it is created right where we stand. 

Darlene L. Stewart said it best when she said, "Whatever we believe becomes real for us, even if it isn't real to anyone else.  If I believe in shortage of time, I'll never have enough time.  If I believe learning is hard, I'll struggle with it...If I believe people don't like me, I'll behave in ways that eventually pushes them away.  Then I'll say, 'I knew it. People just don't like me.' " (1993, p. 85). 

And so here we are with our beliefs that become real...a reality, and with a perception that allows us to see exactly what we believe.  This is where most of us live, and most of us long for some understanding or way to effect our reality.  Such a simple thing, but only when you've gained some understanding regarding the tremendous power you possess through your use of thought.

Thought is that factor that is responsible for your reality, and it is absolutley something that you get to steer and choose.  What we think about something equates how we experience it through our senses and our feelings.  If you experiment with this truth, you will see it for yourself.

Most of us on any given day find ourselves in compulsive thinking, that is not conducive to well being in any way.  This puts us in a mood, and this often leads to behavior choices.  Now, if you know anything about thinking, you also know that thoughts come fast...we can't possible make ourselves not think something.  BUT, what we can do is recognize that a thought is just mental material that we make up.  We get to decide if we believe it...if we want to give power to it, or render it powerless.

This is where the underappreciated art of distracion comes in!  Any time you are in a thought pattern that you are not enjoying, the way to a more enjoyable experience is to drop that thinking and make room for a new insight.  Dropping your thinking can simply not be done by willpower or thinking it away.  You must distract yourself momentarily...that's it.

You see, this is true, because your wisdom and well-being are buoyant.  They will rise to the surface on their own if you get out of the way for a moment.  Now, you may be skeptical about this, and I respect that, but just experiment if you feel so inclined!  The next time you are in a feeling that you dislike, give yourself permission to have a mini-distraction.  Allow your senses to be wrapped up in something else for a moment and see where this takes you.  Be aware that this experiment is an experiment in thought dropping.  Once you realize that you do this all the time, you'll be able to do it intentionally with the purpose of creating the reality that you want to see, feel, and live in.  Have fun!

A Child's Wisdom

"Children are a wonderful gift . . . They have an extraordinary capacity to see into the heart of things and to expose sham and humbug for what they are." ~Desmond Tutu 

Thank goodness for children!  I've said it before.  It is true, and I'm aware of how quickly they can pull someone right into a good feeling.  They have a way of living here...in the place where good feelings are, and we, as adults, somehow live somewhere else...eventually even forgetting to visit this place of well being. 

We become such over-thinkers.  We explain less about our actions and expect others to understand more...to bend to fit us.  Children, well they just find happiness in what they are doing...usually and quite naturally.  They are not in control of a lot that goes on around them...they are not trying to be in control.  They're just marching to a happy little tune within their heart.

It becomes so easy as we live and travel so many bends in the road, to be in judgement of others...to blame...to complain & take personally.  It takes a lot of energy to do this...to stay in a bad feeling, but we have become excellent at it. 

So much time is spent on expectations...and then on disappointment when our ideals aren't met...that the moment is lost.  We are in our heads rather than in our moment.

Children, on the other hand, use their mind for imagination, creativity, exercise...generally on how to make any given moment as fabulous & rich as possible.  Children are using all of their senses and coordination so that life becomes curious and adventurous. 

So much there is to learn from children and their natural simplicity.  A nice swing ride in the breeze...20 minutes of bubble blowing...one t-ball game...a remedy every time.  Something sweet to distract us from our own creating 

The world is there for us to experience as we choose through our own lens of thought.  Wisdom and insight come in many forms, but none is more efficient and honest than that delivered via children.

Memories...RIP!

Memory...a powerful part of our life.  Really just old thinking, and not to be confused with accuracy or fact.  An old story from an old perspective, yet it has the ability to create new reality and experiences in real time.  We call up our memories without much awareness of the process, and then experience whatever feelings surface.  This, of course, colors our mood in the present moment, and then dictates the nature of our reaction or behavior.  When it is put simply like this, it begins to make sense that we should be careful what memories we pull up, but somehow this simplicity turns to complexity and the truth gets lost in our overwhelming experiences from yesterday.

Our society values memory.  We even believe that it is our experiences from the past that make us who we are today.  This limits us so vastly!  Losing memory is seen as devastating, leaving others around us to feel upset and personally impacted by the loss of data.  What if, though, loosing memory (or the grip it has on you) actually was seen as a great gift allowing you the willingness to be comfortable in the unknown?  A fresh start where you are aware of your creation of meaning-making as you go.  No old, out of place fears...no supposed to's...no shouldn'ts...no struggle with forgiveness...no resistance to healthy change.

We all have experiences from our past that represent a time when deep rooted patterns began.  These traits or personalities that develop are then rarely questioned later, despite the negative impact that often comes from living out of the moment. 

People are willing to give up on dreams, loose a loved one, deny themselves, etc, but we are not willing to question the quality of our thinking.  This keeps us on auto pilot...status-quo.  More importantly, it makes us all feel powerless to, or at least inefficient at, rising above our past.
For me, this just isn't good enough.  There are too many painful memories...too many regrets...too many hardships to carry.  Luckily, I know that the only one who keeps me experiencing my past today is me!  I also know that being aware of today's surprises is exactly what creates the life that I want to live.  When I pull up old memories, I know it right away, because I feel insecure...vulnerable...like a lost soul.  When this feeling comes over me, I simply look around and notice how my feeling does not match my environment.  It is easy to see that I have gotten lost in my thinking.

At this point, I don't do anything.  I don't work hard.  I don't become hard on myself.  I just remind myself that I have created my experience based on my personal thinking.  I know that in this state of mind, I have lost my awareness of "now" and I have blocked off my ability to have new insights.  I have muffled the voice of wisdom that is always buoyant inside of me.

By doing this, I become distracted from my current thinking, and the past dies a quiet and instant death.  RIP!  Now things can happen for me that I couldn't even see before.  Suddenly clarity is mine, and I don't feel the need to take other people's thinking personally.  We are all just here on this earth doing our best.  Most of us don't have an understanding of the power of thinking, and we therefore are living a life that is below our potential.  If we could all pay attention to the times when our perspective no longer seems to fit, memory would loose its power.  The power would be returned to us as individuals who are not here to know everything, but are here to willingly be in the unknown.  It is only in this place that we can be aware of our opportunities today.  It is only here that peace and well being can replace fear as the driving factor in our lives.  It must start with you...today's you!

Patience

I never have been a patient person...I haven't known many patient people & I never really tried to become one, although I always saw the wisdom in it.  In this rush-rush world of results and outcomes, I just never practiced, although I appreciated those who were patient with me along the way.  Patience was one of those things that I thought did not belong to me...I wasn't like that...didn't possess that quality.  I believed this thinking blindly as it lead me to many a heart-ache and many a bad result. 
Recently, and quite without premeditation, I began questioning myself...began seeing myself as patient.
Two stories...
My daughter was at the pool recently with a friend.  She is a pre-teen in all definitions of the word, and everything for me right now is a test.  Her friend's parents arrived at the same pick up time and when we got there, of course, neither of the girls was ready to go.  The test began.
Her friend's parents were slightly strict and they snapped their fingers, becoming angry about the girls' resistance.  I asked my daughter to come over, and she replied gruffly with a sassy look, "Just a minute, mom!".  I was incredibly aware of what the other parents were thinking and almost yelled at her to get her buns out of the pool.
For some reason, a pure shot of wisdom...a beautiful insight...I instead decided to patiently smile back and observe her a little bit without judgement...or insecurity.  I decided to have unwavering faith in her...quiet faith...patient faith.  What happened was that I felt understanding for her and knew I could be a little patient at this moment.  I was not okay with my daughter's behavior, but I was more aware of how to calmly handle the situation. 
I laughed to the other parents that they just wanted to finish their game in the pool.  The judgement did not change, but my reaction to it did.  I was really proud of myself, and I felt a lot of love for my daughter.  She came bounding out of the pool all legs and smiles in less time than it would have taken me to yell at her or go get her. 
What I was really aware of was how cute my daughter was, and how happy she looked.  I also noticed that the other parents were quiet...no yelling or snapping.  Did they learn something, as I had?  I don't know, but I do know that I felt very pleased and very connected to my sweet daughter. 

A few days later, patience saved the day again.  We have been looking for a home to rent, and the market has been highly competitive.  We had one application in at a place we sort-of liked, got rejected from one, were 2nd in line for one that got rented out, and were in discussions with a man regarding his house, which we loved despite the bad location.  In short, we were in the game, but did not feel clear about anything that we had seen. 
We went back for a 2nd visit to the home in the wrong location, and we almost decided to go for it...almost decided to ignore our gut...almost acted without any patience.  That night a new home came on the market...perfect size, perfect location, perfect price.  We saw it right away and we both had a great feeling about the house.  Three other couples were viewing the house when we went, and the competition was obvious.  We did everything we could to let the owner know how interested we were, but ultimately we just had to have faith that it would turn out in out favor.
This morning, we got the call...the house is ours!  If we had not been patient, we'd have ended up in a home that we didn't feel sure about, and we'd be paying more money! 
Sometimes it feels hard or even impossible to be patient in this life, but that's just our thinking.  If we look at common sense, we will see that patience is quiet efficient and quiet simple.  If we could all learn to wait...to not react...until we feel clear and calm, what freedom we'd find!  We'd all have better predicaments, more time on our hands, and a nicer effect on each other.  May you be find patience today and also be treated with it!

Walk Beside Me

Mother.......

When you're a child she walks before you,
To set an example.

When you're a teenager she walks behind you
To be there should you need her.

When you're an adult she walks beside you
So that as two friends you can enjoy life together..

- Author Unknown.

It's Mother's Day, and I've spent it celebrating myself, to be honest.  I've looked at my kids today and I've felt proud.  I've seen them try not to argue with each other and I've seen their eyes glimmering in my direction.  I've seen their home-made cards, which pack more love and sincerity in them than anything that could be found at a mall.  I've seen what my hard work has helped create, and I've sat back in total delight.  I couldn't be more proud, and I couldn't be more thankful for my husband who allowed me the time and space to observe all of this today.

There is a  time in our lives when we begin to focus on that which our mother did not provide, or on those things that we would change if we could.  I don't know why we do this.  For me, I actually remember feeling so fiercely connected to my mom that I could not see a fault in her for many years.  Even when it was pointed out to me, I preferred my point of view and could not see a negative.  This was also true of my grandma, whom I still see through rose-colored glasses!  At some point, however, I needed to separate from her...to not be her...to not be in her defense.  This was painful for me to step away from her, but I did.  


I chose this poem, because it is simple and profound...like most pearls of wisdom that I stumble upon.  As a teenager I did begin to walk in front of her, never knowing the faith it took for her to have me blaze my own trail.  Never considering how it felt to be broken away from...never being empathetic to the fact that my growing-up process would include judging her harshly.  


I don't know that all other teens do this, but I do know a lot about what is age appropriate, and this seems to make me "normal".  I regret having to see her as "wrong" in order to spread my own wings and carve my own path, but this seemed a necessary part of my process.  What grace it must take to watch your child...your sweet babe...cast you out in the name of personal growth.  


The beauty in it is that she did this for me (and my sisters) without protest...without judgement.  Like knowing us and raising us prepared her somehow for this period of time when we were only willing to see how we would do it differently.  I never remember her feelings being hurt, although I do remember treating her with far less respect and gratitude than she deserves.  


This is motherhood...the giving...the faith.  It is done by many and without complaint by most.  It is a wisdom or a love that sees through what even the rowdiest teen or twenty-something can dish out.  It is what sustains this teen or twenty-something...it gives them strength even when they don't want to accept it directly from their mother.  


I don't think a mother does this with a knowing that later in life they will be repaid with endless gratitude and friendship from their child, but this is what happens.  At some point we, as adult children, see easily past the judgements we have had, and can focus on all that was done for us...all that we learned and witnessed.  We then become our mother's biggest fans again...just as we were when our hands fit in theirs and our arms could barely reach their hips during an embrace.  We find the wisdom we had lost during our tumultuous growing-up period, and we find our mom's waiting for us with a sweet smile.  How lucky we are to have mothers.


Now that I am a mother...with a daughter who's ten going on 15...I can see just how it is that a mother endures the breaking-away period.  It happens because a mother loves her child with a heart that has no focus on personal gains.  A mother looks at her child..whatever his/her age...and sees through all behavior right to all that is hopeful and good.  A mother believes that there is a purpose for whatever is occurring without taking it personally.  A mother's heart never looses faith and sight of what her child is.  In this way, love is always the answer...in this way, we are all blessed to have a mother.


Whatever the past has brought you...whatever words have been said or acts that have been done...we are all lucky to have the love of a mother.  I am honored to be a mother myself, for it allows me the understanding of what my mother has done for me.  It gives me the delight of walking through this life with my mother by my side as I make my own mistakes...not the same mistakes, but all new ones...with my sweet children.

Cheers to all the mothers out there, in whatever form they may come in for you.

The Root of the Root

I Carry Your Heart With Me

By Edward Estlin Cummings

 

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)

i am never without it (anywhere i go you go,my dear; 

and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear no fate (for you are my fate,my sweet)

i want no world (for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant 

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows 

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud 

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;

which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart) 

...This poem showed up in my life last night.  I was watching "In Her Shoes"...an old favorite, but this time something was different.  I saw something new...my ears heard something I had missed.  I don't even remember this poem from the handful of times that I've watched this movie, but this time it meant something to me. 

I began thinking about my kids...my husband...my mother...my sisters...my fathers..my grandma...all of us here in this pocket of time together.  Something exists in us that is deeper than our etched out personalities & personal beliefs...something beyond society, family ties, commonalities.  Something that keeps us all carrying humanity in our hearts...if but only for a brief second here and there.  

This thing is the root of the root.  It is higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide...it is beyond science and before explanation.  This thing that binds us is wondrous & can feel elusive at times.  It has many names, but we all recognize it.  It is this energy of life that keeps us tied together to a harmony and to all things so that we can feel our role in it all. 

I call this thing wisdom, but that doesn't matter, what matters is that we all know it and have it...no matter how well-used or dusty it may be.  This thing helps us know things that we do not previously know without studying or doing anything at all.  How important it is for all of us to know that each of us has this...AND what a beautiful world we could create if we all began to look for it in ourselves and within others.  Acts of courage, every-day miracles, things that move the soul...they are all around us and all within us.  If you become aware of your connection to the energy that connects us all, unlimited potential is yours in an instant. 

This makes me think of a friend of mine, who is now going through a painful separation...as if some of them are not painful.  The thing that has been so luminous and inspiring for me is that she is fully in the zone.  I hardly recognize her from a week ago.  She had been in a fog and in contemplation...that's what it looked like from outside, but really she had been waiting for that moment when her wisdom showed up in full force.  

She is now moving through the separation with clarity and courage.  There is room in her mind for feelings of peace and direction.  She is not lost in her personal thinking, but is instead guided by what can be only be described as... the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life. 

May you be as well.